“God help me! What do I do!?” I cried, as I laid in the shower trying to scrub away the shame. “This isn't what I wanted! Please god, give me a way out!” The confidence I had once felt, and all my dreams were now non existent. My reality was now my hell! Years,  I would try to suppress the memories, but my life would make up patterns directly related to the trauma. I'd forget what it was like to have faith, and would eventually let my experience define who I was. I'd be broken and live out 12 years following the trauma recklessly. This is how my story begins, but like all good stories, it's not how it ends.

Greed is a thing of evil! I seen the red flags, but longed for a life of fame. I often dreamt of a time I'd be able to make my bullies eat their words. Most nights I thought up new ways to do my hair and perfect my makeup. Other nights, I'd spend hours practicing what I'd say to my school crush in the mirror, and imagine that the response was in my favor. When I wasn't brushing up on those skills, I was practicing what I'd say to my bullies. I'd imagine them teasing me, but not getting away with it. I'd picture them backing off as I got crazy and defensive. I'd spend hours flattering myself, because when I wasn't, I was pondering the words that would eventually scar me. Like all things in life though, time passes, and things get better. I moved to another state, and had a chance to start over. I came out of an awkward stage, and just like the ugly duckling, I grew into a swan. I became completely focused on my looks, and fantasized about the day I'd make it to Hollywood and be a star. Unfortunately I found out the hard way, that a dream like that is not easily obtained. No matter what anybody tells you!!!

The year was 2000. While I should have been finishing up high school, I was offered a "chance of a lifetime". I was told I'd be given a chance to fulfill all my childhood dreams, and have whatever my heart desired. The picture of my future was painted beautifully, as the person who was telling it, knew me very well! I babysat for this woman from the age of 14. She knew everything about me, because I had been confiding in her for years. Typically I'd question someone's ability to get me "noticed", but she had competed around the country, won the title of "Miss Nude Venezuela",  and appeared in many reputable magazines. There was no question in my mind she could help me to achieve the same things, and I agreed with no questions asked.

The next day they started to photograph me. I felt comfortable with the attire they picked out, because it covered me enough to feel sexy, but still stay modest. By the end of the shoot, they were hiking up my skirt, and making it very uncomfortable. I stayed quiet about my discomfort, because I didn't want them to think I couldn't hack it. It wasn't 2 days later that I'd have my first "meeting". I was nervous and excited, but assured that I didn't have to do anything out of my comfort zone. When I opened the door, I became increasingly nervous. The man appeared to be professional looking, and was about in his mid 40's. His confidence was intimidating, but as we talked, I got a little more comfortable. He was only given an hour with me, so as the hour passed, he became noticeably anxious. He began to make advances to me, but I'd turn him down, as I thought I had that choice. I knew from that moment, that this was not how I wanted to conduct business. But I'd soon find out, that I never really had the freedom to choose what would happen to me.

I was sex trafficked for 6 months. It may have been more, as I had lost track of time, and suppressed many memories. I am starting this blog to bring light to an industry that steals lives, and the hope of young girls/woman. I warn you though, this blog may be too much for some to handle. I have no intention to hold back the details, because it would not complete my mission to do so. I pray this blog finds the right people, and restores faith and hope to a very broad spectrum of people. By the grace of God I am a survivor. My road has been long, and the recovery painful. I often think about what could have been, but God has given me the ability to see "what will be". I will tell you what I have learned, and how god has blessed me. I am living proof of what life can be like after trauma.

Isaiah 61:7

Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt, Your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever.