“God help me! What do I do!?” I cried, as I laid in the shower trying to scrub away the shame. “This isn't what I wanted! Please god, give me a way out!” The confidence I had once felt, and all my dreams were now non existent. My reality was now my hell! Years,  I would try to suppress the memories, but my life would make up patterns directly related to the trauma. I'd forget what it was like to have faith, and would eventually let my experience define who I was. I'd be broken and live out 12 years following the trauma recklessly. This is how my story begins, but like all good stories, it's not how it ends.

Greed is a thing of evil! I seen the red flags, but longed for a life of fame. I often dreamt of a time I'd be able to make my bullies eat their words. Most nights I thought up new ways to do my hair and perfect my makeup. Other nights, I'd spend hours practicing what I'd say to my school crush in the mirror, and imagine that the response was in my favor. When I wasn't brushing up on those skills, I was practicing what I'd say to my bullies. I'd imagine them teasing me, but not getting away with it. I'd picture them backing off as I got crazy and defensive. I'd spend hours flattering myself, because when I wasn't, I was pondering the words that would eventually scar me. Like all things in life though, time passes, and things get better. I moved to another state, and had a chance to start over. I came out of an awkward stage, and just like the ugly duckling, I grew into a swan. I became completely focused on my looks, and fantasized about the day I'd make it to Hollywood and be a star. Unfortunately I found out the hard way, that a dream like that is not easily obtained. No matter what anybody tells you!!!

The year was 2000. While I should have been finishing up high school, I was offered a "chance of a lifetime". I was told I'd be given a chance to fulfill all my childhood dreams, and have whatever my heart desired. The picture of my future was painted beautifully, as the person who was telling it, knew me very well! I babysat for this woman from the age of 14. She knew everything about me, because I had been confiding in her for years. Typically I'd question someone's ability to get me "noticed", but she had competed around the country, won the title of "Miss Nude Venezuela",  and appeared in many reputable magazines. There was no question in my mind she could help me to achieve the same things, and I agreed with no questions asked.

The next day they started to photograph me. I felt comfortable with the attire they picked out, because it covered me enough to feel sexy, but still stay modest. By the end of the shoot, they were hiking up my skirt, and making it very uncomfortable. I stayed quiet about my discomfort, because I didn't want them to think I couldn't hack it. It wasn't 2 days later that I'd have my first "meeting". I was nervous and excited, but assured that I didn't have to do anything out of my comfort zone. When I opened the door, I became increasingly nervous. The man appeared to be professional looking, and was about in his mid 40's. His confidence was intimidating, but as we talked, I got a little more comfortable. He was only given an hour with me, so as the hour passed, he became noticeably anxious. He began to make advances to me, but I'd turn him down, as I thought I had that choice. I knew from that moment, that this was not how I wanted to conduct business. But I'd soon find out, that I never really had the freedom to choose what would happen to me.

I was sex trafficked for 6 months. It may have been more, as I had lost track of time, and suppressed many memories. I am starting this blog to bring light to an industry that steals lives, and the hope of young girls/woman. I warn you though, this blog may be too much for some to handle. I have no intention to hold back the details, because it would not complete my mission to do so. I pray this blog finds the right people, and restores faith and hope to a very broad spectrum of people. By the grace of God I am a survivor. My road has been long, and the recovery painful. I often think about what could have been, but God has given me the ability to see "what will be". I will tell you what I have learned, and how god has blessed me. I am living proof of what life can be like after trauma.

Isaiah 61:7

Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt, Your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever.   

Bad days!

                                                                     Bad Days

How do you fix an already broken day? I was tested today, and failed. I had already made up my mind, that today was destined to be "one of those days". Guess what? It was, and it got increasingly worse. It started with an e-mail, and before I knew it, I was fighting with my ex. My morning had just started, and I was instantly in a bad mood! Instead of taking a much needed time out to collect my thoughts, I began to do my daily routine. I literally felt that black cloud over me, and I was getting anxious and annoyed for no reason. Everything that happened, had already happened. Why let little things affect the rest of my day?

Well, I had a meltdown! I became a crazy woman, making the ones I loved uncomfortable. It was enough to clear out the room, as everyone was afraid to be near me. So I took a moment to cry, and turned on some Christian music. I didn't ask god to give me strength to get me through the rest of the day, nor did I allow myself enough time to recollect myself. I started cleaning, hoping the music would be enough to sooth my soul. Sometimes that is enough, but sometimes you just need to do a little bit more.

So what happened? I was stubborn! I wasn't willing to admit that something was wrong with me. I blamed everyone for the way I felt the whole day. I even tried taking a picture for my business profile, and cried. I felt so fat, and every picture I took I disliked. I had suddenly convinced myself I was ugly and fat, and began blaming my ex. I told him he ruins my diets with high carb dinners, and stresses me to the point of eating everything in the house. I heard the things coming out of my mouth, but had no control over my emotions. I let myself feel like this the whole day!!

By 7:00 PM, I had my last bit of rage. My daughters new outfit had come up missing, and I thought I was going to lose it. I have 3 children, and because my youngest is special needs; money is tight. Losing that outfit, was like throwing away money for me. I felt this rage inside of me that I knew if I didn't calm down, I'd do something regrettable. I went to my room and took a much needed time out. I began to realize just how crazy I was being, and was actually quite embarrassed. I had to apologize to my family, and make it up to them with a movie night.

So where did I go wrong? I'll tell you! I told myself I was going to have "one of those days". I had already cursed my day. I have had days that would have made today look like a day at the fair. But I didn't curse my day like that! I'd tell myself, "while that sucked, it's just a small bump in the road. It just wasn't meant to be, or it was just suppose to happen that way". For example; I woke up last week to a flat tire, and had to be at an appointment in 15 minutes. I felt slightly anxious, but then reminded myself of a story I had once heard. I told myself  "maybe god is looking out for you. Maybe if you weren't held up filling this tire, you would have gotten into a accident that could have killed you." It was such a good feeling I gave myself. I suddenly felt so good about the delay, and I still got in for my appointment.

Things don't always happen as we would like them to. I had realized after a long emotional day, that I didn't want another day like that. Satan is so good to implant these thoughts in our minds, just to watch us self destruct. I never once turned to god for help, or even praised him for a single moment where I didn't have a negative thought. Will I have another day I struggle to stay positive? Absolutely! But I'll try to remember not to use such negative words, to determine how my whole day will be. Maybe if I had told myself it'd be a good day regardless, the outcome would have been different.